Zooming Grandma — Sally Simon
Setting: On stage right, there is a desk or table/chair combo. On stage left, there is a couch or bean bag (something a teenager would lounge on)
Time: Present
Scene opens with an older woman, Grandma (age 55-70) sitting at the desk, a computer screen with a camera attached in front of her. (stage right). She is holding a cell phone. Maggie, her granddaughter (age 12-16) is lounging on the couch with her laptop or iPad (ideally a smaller technological device). She has earbuds in. A cell phone is propped nearby.
Lights up
Grandma
OK, I signed in. What do I do now?
Maggie
Up in the toolbar, there’s a button that says “Join Meeting.” Click that.
Grandma
A toolbar?
Maggie
Top right, Grandma. It’s in blue.
Grandma
Oh, yes. There it is!
Maggie
Did you click it yet?
Grandma
What are all these other circle things at the bottom: Meetings, video webinar, conference—?
Maggie
Nothing. Just push the “Join a Meeting” link.
Grandma
I thought you said it was a button.
Maggie
(getting slightly testy) Link. It’s a link. It’s blue. Click it.
Grandma
Ok. OK. I’m trying here. I learned FaceTime, didn’t I?
Maggie
I know, Gram, but it will be easier if you just do what I say.
Grandma
Isn’t that what your mother always says to you?
Maggie
Very funny. Did you click it?
Grandma
It says I need an ID or personal link. I don’t have a personal link.
Maggie
Yes, you do. I emailed it to you.
Grandma
You mean I have to go to my email now? I’m on Zoom.
Maggie
You can do both at the same time.
Grandma
How do I do that?
Maggie
Never mind. Hold on. I’ll tell you the ID number. (Maggie picks up her phone and acts as if she’s looking up the code)
(Grandma puts the phone down, gets up and goes offstage without the phone, to get a drink)
Maggie
It’s 154 345 967. Grandma. (no response) Grandma, are you there?
Grandma
(coming back with a glass of water, hearing the voice coming through the phone) Maggie, hold on. (she sits and picks up the phone) I’m back.
Maggie
Back?
Grandma
I needed to get a drink of water. The doctor told me I —
Maggie
Never mind. Type these numbers into the space where it says ID. 154 345 967.
Grandma
(typing in the numbers while saying the last few numbers aloud to herself) OK. This would be a lot easier with two hands.
Maggie
You’re only using one hand?
Grandma
Well, I have to hold the phone.
(Maggie rolls her eyes)
Maggie
I’ll wait.
Grandma
Done. Now it’s asking for a password. Didn’t I already give it a password to log in?
Maggie
It’s a different password. So our meeting doesn’t get bombed.
Grandma
Bombed? Good lord.
Maggie
Not bombed for real.
Grandma
Well then why do they call it bombed?
Maggie
I don’t know, they just do.
Grandma
What is bombed then?
Maggie
Some hackers crash a meeting and post shit like Nazi symbols and porn and stuff.
Grandma
(she gasps) You shouldn’t curse.
Maggie
(rolls her eyes again) Look, what they do is worse, and I didn’t want it to happen, so I enabled a password. Type this into the box: 401934.
Grandma
OK, I’m going to try to do this with two hands, (She puts the phone between her neck and shoulder, pokes at the numbers and loses the phone. It bangs on the floor)
Maggie
Grandma, are you OK?
Grandma
(Grandma picks up the phone) Maggie, are you still there?
Maggie
Yes. I’m still here.
Grandma
Oh, good. I dropped the phone.
Maggie
We’re almost there. Look at your screen.
(the live Zoom should be projecting on a screen behind the characters)
Grandma
Oh, look! There I am. (Grandma is fixing her hair, admiring herself in the camera)
Maggie
So you can see yourself, right?
Grandma
This is amazing.
Maggie
Yeah, it’s really amazing, Grandma. Welcome to the 21st century.
Grandma
(Grandma comes closer to the camera) Is this little thing the camera?
Maggie
I’m not sure what thing you mean, but yes, probably.
Grandma
Well, I’m looking right at it. Can’t you see me?
Maggie
No grandma, I can’t see you yet. You need to allow video.
Grandma
How do I do that?
Maggie
On the bottom left there is an icon of a video camera. There should be a red line through it because it’s off.
Grandma
Yes, I see it!
Maggie
Click on it.
Grandma
(clicking on it) Oh, look! There you are! Hi, Maggie. I’m getting good at this!
Maggie
You’re a regular pro, Gram.
Grandma
Wait. Wait. I bet you’re going to tell me to click the microphone picture with the red line through it now, aren’t you?
Maggie
(has an “I’m almost impressed” face). Yes, Grandma. Exactly. Then we can talk through Zoom and hang up the telephones.
Grandma
Oh my, this is a great invention. I wish they had this when I was your age.
Maggie
OK, I see you’re unmuted. So you can hang up the phone and go hands free now.
Grandma
(Hangs up phone and puts it down) Thanks so much, Maggie. This is terrific.
Maggie
(also hangs up) So, that’s all there is to it, Grandma.
Grandma
(sees Maggie’s lips move). Maggie, I can’t hear you. Why can’t I hear you?
Maggie
You must have your volume all the way down.
Grandma
(seeing her lips move) I can’t hear you!
Maggie
(realizing what she’s done, types in a chat)
Grandma
There’s something that says “chat” blinking. Did I do something wrong?
Maggie
(nods her head no. Points down)
Grandma
What? Go down into the basement?
Maggie
(nods head “No” larger than before. She “paints” a rectangle and holds her palm up and pokes it like Grandma should click)
Grandma
Oh, click the blinky thing at the bottom of the screen?
Maggie
(nods her head yes)
Grandma
(Clicks on “chat. Reads it.) Oh, yes, I turned the volume down the other day when I was watching a photography slideshow and grandpa was…never mind. (she turns the volume up) Say something.
Maggie
There you go, Gram. It’s as simple as that.
Grandma
But there’s more gizmos on here. What’s the smiley face thing?
Maggie
You can give a thumbs up or clap hands at something someone says. If there’s a lot of people in a meeting, not everyone can talk at one time, so–
Grandma
I want to try it.
Maggie
(rolls her eyes) Fine, it’s easy. Just click on the smiley face and choose one of the pictures.
Grandma
(She does) There. Oh, this is fun. There’s a thumbs up in my box.
Maggie
(sarcastic) Loads of fun.
Grandma
But it’s in my box. If there’s a lot of people here, how will the person I’m giving a thumbs up to, know it’s for them.
Maggie
Presumably they just said something you liked.
Grandma
But, what if I’m slow, and someone says something I don’t like, and the thumbs up comes on then.
Maggie
Then that person will think you like what they said.
Grandma
Well, that won’t do. (pause) What do the hands mean?
Maggie
(losing patience slightly) It’s two hands, Grandma. They’re clapping.
Grandma
Oh, I see. But what’s the difference between a thumbs up and hands clapping?
Maggie
I don’t know, it’s whichever. Don’t overthink it.
Grandma
(almost to herself): You’d think they could come up with a little picture that means something entirely different. (pause) How are you at the beach? I’m sitting here in the study and you’re at the beach? I thought you were at home.
Maggie
I am at home. It’s a background.
Grandma
I want one.
Maggie
(looks up to heaven) You have to have a picture already on your computer, Gram.
Grandma
I have pictures on my computer. What do you think I am–?
Maggie
One you’d like as a background?
Grandma
I don’t know, I’ll have to look at them. But I’m on here with you, how do I look at something else?
Maggie
Can’t this wait until I see you next? It takes like two seconds in person, but–
Grandma
What? You have somewhere important to go?
Maggie
Not really. (mumbles to herself) Besides, there’s nowhere to go really. But seriously–
Grandma
You think I’m dumb.
Maggie
I don’t think you’re dumb. It’s just–
Grandma
Yes, you do. Just because–
Maggie
OK. OK. (takes it slow) To see other things on the laptop you need to minimize the Zoom screen. Do you know how to do that?
Grandma
It’s a little minus sign thingy. See I know what I’m doing. Oh, there it is in the top corner. (clicks it) I still see you in a little box.
Maggie
That’s right, Gram. Now you can do anything else on the laptop you want. So go look at your pictures and find one you want as your background. You do know how to do that, right?
Grandma
(already searching her pictures) Of course I know how to do that.
Maggie
Great. Let me know when you’re done. (Maggie sits back and starts to text, laughs, etc.)
Grandma
(searching pix, talks to herself maybe, and shows a bit of excitement when she finds the one she wants) Got it!
Maggie
OK. Great. You just need to know where it is.
Grandma
What do you mean where it is? It’s right there on my screen.
Maggie
No, where it’s stored on the computer. Like is it in “My Photos?”
Grandma
Of course, I know where it’s stored. I just found it didn’t I?
Maggie
Good. So you need to bring the Zoom screen back up. Put the cursor on the picture of me and click the green arrow.
Grandma
(does it) OK. Now what?
Maggie
On the bottom left where it says “Video” there’s a little arrow up. Click that and select “Choose Virtual Background.”
Grandma
OK
Maggie
Now where it says “choose virtual background, there’s a little + sign. Click that and you’ll see different file folders. Find the picture and click on it.
Grandma
(clicking around) This is so neat. OK. There. (her background changes to a picture of Godzilla attacking the Eiffel Tower)
Maggie
Grandma!
Grandma
What? I like Godzilla.
Maggie
(mumbles) Whatever. So, you think you can do this on your own, now?
Grandma
I hope so. I have book group tonight. Will you be around if I need help?
Maggie
Sure. But it looks like you have a handle on it. (pause) What book are you reading?
Grandma
Some book called Twilight. Marcia picked it. It’s–
Maggie
Your book club read Twilight?
Grandma
Why not? (Grandma starts to talk fast and excitedly) It’s about these two kids, well, one’s a vampire and–
Maggie
Yeah, I know Grandma. Every kid I know has read it. It’s a YA book.
Grandma
YA?
Maggie
Young adult.
Grandma
(laughs) Leave it to Marcia. (pause) You kids read that junk?
Maggie
Evidently.
Grandma
Thanks so much, honey. I really appreciate your help, but I have to go. Grandpa’s waiting for me.
Maggie
No problem, Gram. Tell him “Hi.” You need to click the red button “Leave Meeting.” I’ll talk to you later.
Grandma
Oh wait, what’s this “Share Screen” button do? (she clicks it, clicks again and a picture of Grandma in a bathing suit or lingerie or something sexy comes up)
Maggie
Grandma!
(Lights out)
NOTE: This performance can be performed directly on Zoom. If on stage, the Zoom part of the play would ideally be projected onto the screen in real time. Alternatively, Grandma’s screen/pictures could be projected instead.
***
Sally Simon lives in the Catskills of New York State. Her writing has appeared in Hobart, Truffles Literary Magazine, After the Pause, Flash Fiction Magazine, and elsewhere. When not writing, she’s either traveling the world or stabbing people with her epee. Read more at www.sallysimonwriter.com