THE TROUBLE WITH “SLIMES”–JUDY KLASS
CAST OF CHARACTERS
MARGOT: 20s – 40s, SHE is on edge, but initially glad to be home.
TED: A few years older than his sister MARGOT, with a reassuring, authoritative manner.
MOM: SHE is 20 – 30 years older than her kids, with a warm and comforting quality.
SETTING
A family living room with a couch — in the near future.
LIGHTS UP ON: A couch with a pillow and sheets. MARGOT is going through her travel bag.
Her brother TED looks on.
TED: Sorry you gotta camp out here.
MARGOT: No, it’s cool. This is a pretty comfortable couch.
TED: I bet you figured the spare room would be free.
MARGOT: Actually, this is a nice surprise. I’m glad to see you. And that Mom has you here. I
didn’t know you were … in touch.
TED: What do you mean?
MARGOT: Well … last time we talked about Mom … you were frustrated that she’s not …
politically engaged. She doesn’t follow the news. You said her life is insular.
TED: I guess I did say that. A long time ago.
MARGOT: And I’ve heard her on the phone sometimes … sounding wistful. Like she wanted to
hear from you. So, the fact that we’re visiting at the same time … It’s nice.
TED: Actually, I’m kind of staying here, long-term.
MARGOT: Really?
TED: Yeah, I kind of got priced out of my apartment. I called Mom, she offered me the spare
room, and I took her up on it.
MARGOT: That’s – that’s great.
TED: You sound … like maybe you don’t think so.
MARGOT: No, no. I’m just – surprised that Mom didn’t mention you were here. I just mean,
because we talk, like, every week.
TED: Well, maybe she wanted to see if it would work out. It did, but … it’s an ongoing thing.
You know.
MARGOT: Sure. Well, anyhow, it’s great. And I’m just visiting.
TED: So, what brings you here?
MARGOT: Oh.
TED: I mean, if it’s some personal thing you’d rather just talk about with Mom, I can …
MARGOT: No, it’s fine. In fact, it’s nice to be able to talk about it with my older brother, who
used to give me good advice.
TED: Well. Not always.
MARGOT: And who helped shape my … political worldview. And values. More than anyone.
Really, Ted, I have to thank you for that.
TED: Wow. Well, I appreciate that, it means a lot. So, what’s up?
MARGOT: I’m … upset about a friend of mine. A guy named Cameron? I knew him in high
school. You maybe met him … He’s a neuroscientist, interested in brain function. And in, like,
the relationship between how we use our brains and overall brain health. You know, how people who are bilingual are less likely to have Alzheimer’s or dementia because they’re using different parts of their brains in ways the rest of us don’t?
TED: I didn’t know that.
MARGOT: Sure. Or, music – how some people who have a stroke or with dementia, they can’t
talk, but they can still sing. And Cameron studies people who ruminate on things. Obsessively.
The same negative thoughts. Anger, grief, looping around. I mean, obsession can be good.
Creatives obsess, and make discoveries, and finish projects. But just – he’s interested in the
mechanics of it.
TED: Yeah, sounds interesting. Go on.
MARGOT: So. He told me that people who obsess – there’s extra blood flow to a part of their
cerebrum called … the subgenual prefrontal cortex. And that synchs up with the default mode
network – a bunch of regions in the brain related to daydreaming, and remembering stuff … They synch up, and stuff gets out of control. You don’t just focus on bad stuff to solve problems, you wallow in the bad stuff, you can’t function. That may be why electroshock therapy actually helps some people with depression.
TED: That sounds reasonable. Have you been wallowing in bad stuff, Margot? In depression?
MARGOT: Well, maybe, but that’s not what – he told me other things. He did a study of
Alzheimer’s. Of plaques that build up – like, protein fragments between nerve cells in the brain
that kill them off. Cameron had this theory … He felt there was a connection between how people ruminate obsessively … and plaques … and the Sal-bor-limes.
TED: The Sal-bor-limes have brains that are nothing like ours.
MARGOT: Not how their minds work. Our minds. Cam said that since the Sal-bor-limes
contacted us, and came to Earth … He talked about the way they win people over. How they got mass acceptance for them taking so much saltwater. Sucking it out of our oceans. It has
something to do with speaking in slogans, and getting people to repeat those slogans, out loud and online, and people roll them around in their minds, again and again. And as they’re doing that … certain plaques build up. Plaques that kill off certain aspects of neural function. According to Cam. Or – according to what he told me a month ago.
(TED speaks patiently, as if to a child.)
TED: It sounds as if your friend is annoyed that some people like policy decisions he disagrees
with, and so now, he’s trying to distort his area of research to create a conspiracy theory about
the Sal-bor-limes. And he’s gotten you very upset.
MARGOT: No. What’s upset me is – Cam is gone.
TED: Gone?
MARGOT: I mean, he was concerned about this, he was going to get together with me and tell
me more. But first, he visited Jordana. Do you remember her?
TED: Jordana? Also from your year in high school?
MARGOT: Yes.
TED: A really striking girl? A dancer or something?
MARGOT: Yes. A ballet dancer. Incredible self-discipline. Hours of practice. She breaks toes,
she keeps dancing on them. She and Cam were involved, they broke up … She’s in another city. But he thought her OCD would make her vulnerable to this stuff, so he went to talk to her about it – and that was it.
TED: That was it – how?
MARGOT: I didn’t hear from him. He didn’t answer texts. Or phone messages. When I finally
got through … he said he was scrapping his theory. About the Sal-bor-limes. Deleting his
research. He wouldn’t send it to me. He’s gone back to regular research into Alzheimer’s, and
how to prevent those protein plaques.
TED: Well, maybe Jordana talked some sense into him. She was a pretty strong-willed kid …
But you had your heart set on more conspiracy theories?
MARGOT: What really creeped me out is how Cam’s using the slogans he made fun of, that he
said the Sal-bor-limes got people to repeat. And he called them the Sublimes.
TED: A lot of people do. “Sal-bor-limes” is hard to say. It doesn’t even sound like what it is in
their language – we can’t pronounce it properly. Our mouths don’t work that way.
MARGOT: Sure, but Cam used to make fun of calling them the Sublimes. He said it was like a
cult. It rewires the brain. Or saying: “There’s lots of water in the ocean, and fish in the sea.”
People just dismissing concerns about aliens coming here and draining huge stretches of our
oceans –
TED: “Draining” is an inaccurate word, it’s a wild exaggeration –
MARGOT: It really upset Cam, as a scientist. He’d say there aren’t as many fish as there were a
hundred years ago, and the Sal-bor-limes endanger what’s left, we need to stop them … And then, to hear those slogans coming out of him … It just freaked me out. To the point where I wasn’t sleeping.
TED: To the point where you wanted to come home and talk to Mom?
MARGOT: Yeah.
TED: Well. That sounds like a good impulse. Mom is a pretty calm and steady presence. A
couple of nights with her casserole and brownies, you’re gonna feel a whole lot better.
MARGOT: But it still won’t make sense. Why a man would turn his back on everything he
believes.
TED: Why a guy in love with a beautiful, passionate woman might start seeing things her way?
And be embarrassed to talk to you, if you’re into his old, militant position?
MARGOT: No, it – went beyond that. It’s like – you can talk to him on some subjects, and he’s
still Cam. But – then you talk to him about these other things …
TED: I’m sorry he got rid of his research about people brooding and ruminating. Because,
Margot, I think you are prone to depression. And awfulizing. And if you have scary thoughts
running around and around in your … cerebrum … wearing new grooves in …
MARGOT: Ted.
TED: What?
MARGOT: We never … when the Sal-bor-limes first contacted us, it was bizarre and seismic
enough that I called you, to see what you thought.
TED: And I told you …
MARGOT: That you weren’t going to form an opinion because we didn’t know anything about
these aliens. We needed more information.
TED: Exactly. And I told you not to panic.
MARGOT: Okay. But that was months ago. I guess I … I’d like to know more of what you’re
thinking. Right now.
TED: Well. I don’t like prejudice.
MARGOT: I know.
TED: And the Sal-bor-limes are odd-looking, and alien, and I don’t appreciate people who use
slurs against them. Calling them space slugs. Sea slugs.
MARGOT: That’s understandable. You always told me to stand up to bigotry.
TED: Actual slugs hate salt. Children torture them in jars of water with salt in it …
MARGOT: Wait, wait, wait. That’s – what Cam said. How is it relevant? That’s one of the lines
that people who like the Sal-bor-limes use now …
TED: It’s not a “line,” it’s common sense. And so, when people call them “Slimes” – I think
that’s pretty offensive. You’re talking about buzzwords. Slogans. What about people who say
“Oh, your mind has been slimed, the slug lobby slimes us all”? Or “Insanity slimes reason!”
That’s ugly language.
MARGOT: Sure. I’m not calling them slugs or Slimes, or Sublimes. I’m asking you – when you
think of the oceans on Planet Earth, do you think that it’s a good idea –
TED: There’s a lot of water in the ocean, Margot. All right? And a lot of fish in the sea.
(SHE stares at him in horror.)
TED: (irritated) What?
MARGOT: Everything I ever believed. About social engagement. About our responsibility to
preserve the planet, and pass it on to future generations …
TED: I’m exactly the same person I’ve always been. I drive a hybrid car, and I give to good
causes.
MARGOT: But suddenly, you don’t care about the oceans.
TED: There’s a lot of water in the oceans. And a lot of fish in the sea! And Planet Earth is really,
really big. So, don’t cry a river of tears over a little saltwater. The Sublimes are our friends.
You’re my sister, Margot. But if you’re filled with this kind of hatred, and paranoia, and ugliness, then — I can’t even talk to you.
(HE storms out. MOM ENTERS from a different door.)
MOM: Hey, there. What were you and Ted talking about?
MARGOT: Oh, just … stuff. You know. Our intense discussions.
MOM: All night long. My two little crusaders for worthy causes.
MARGOT: Has it been nice? Having him stay here?
MOM: Yeah, it has. I sleep better at night, with him in that spare room. And I was really glad he
reached out. I was touched, you know? There had been a distance. For years. And now … we just hang out. He helps me cook, sometimes.
MARGOT: I’m really glad.
MOM: It’s been restful, for the two of us. And now maybe for the three of us, to spend time
together as a family. You’ve sounded tense on the phone. It’s good you’re here. (seeing
MARGOT’s conflicted expression) What? Margot, don’t tell me that whatever silly political
fight you just had with your brother is making you –
MARGOT: It’s not – I’m sorry, Mom. Forget it. I’m really glad to see you. I’m thinking maybe
you’ve got some kind of “motherly wisdom” I never appreciated before.
MOM: (laughs) Oh, I seriously doubt that, but what made you say it?
MARGOT: The way you always valued family but – just stayed out of the craziness in the world.
You saw it all as transitory. As noise. As stuff you couldn’t control, so why try. You concentrated
on making home a safe, warm space for us. And I think I maybe just … needed to crawl back
inside that kind of a sanctuary.
MOM: Well, thank you, Margot, that’s a lovely thing to say. The way I see it, my job looking out
for you and Ted isn’t over, now you’re grown. It’s a life-long thing. I look out for the two of you
the way that the Sublimes look out for all of us.
MARGOT: What?
MOM: We help the Sublimes out with a little bit of saltwater. And they help us make the world a safe and loving place.
MARGOT: (horrified) Oh, Mom. Has Ted … Mom, you want them ruling us? You know what
they’re doing to our oceans, and you don’t even care?
MOM: Oh, now, honey. There’s a lot of water in the ocean, and a lot of fish in the sea. We can
afford to be generous. Don’t go crying a river of tears over a gift to our protectors, like a little bit of saltwater taffy on the boardwalk.
MARGOT: Mom!
(MARGOT starts stuffing her things into her bag – everything she has brought with her.)
MOM: What’s the matter? We’re having casserole soon. Isn’t the couch comfortable? You can
have my bed, if you like.
MARGOT: No, I’m sorry, I’ve got to get out of here. I’m – I’ll find someplace else … (SHE
would like to hug MOM, but SHE’s too freaked out) I love you, Mom. I – goodbye.
(SHE EXITS. LIGHTS DOWN.)
END OF PLAY
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Eight of Judy Klass‘ full-length plays have been produced onstage. One is published by Concord Theatricals, one by Next Stage Press, and one is in press with Lazy Bee Scripts in the UK. Forty-two of her one-act plays have been produced onstage, many with multiple productions all over the US. A few have been produced in the UK, Ireland and Canada. A number of Judy’s plays, short and long, have been produced as podcasts. There is more information at http://www.judyklass.com https://www.nextstagepress.com/after-tartuffe/